Bigger Than This

As of right now, we have to be at the hospital in 29 hours.


Not long after this diagnosis came about, I was struggling (obviously), and had just begun a Bible study with my fellow nursery staff members. The message in our very first session hit home with me, and as I was driving home I was praying for my baby girl. The words that came into my head surprised me, if only because I hadn't really considered it this way before.

"I love her enough to give my life for her. You love her enough that you already did."

... I know, right?

**


Today was my last day of work until May 9, and following our staff meeting, my coworkers gathered around me to pray for Ally and for us as we're facing this giant unknown, and then they loaded me down with gifts to make the hospital stay and recovery easier on everyone. I've said the word too many times for it to come close to describing how I feel, but I'm overwhelmed. The generosity, the spirit of love and support, the assurances that so many people are willing and even eager to do whatever they can to help, it's just too much for me to process and comprehend.

Wow.

It's not just my coworkers who have responded so heartily during this struggle, either. Aside from family and friends, I'm blown away by the others who have kicked up compassion to a whole other level, people I've never even met reaching out to say they're thinking about her and praying for her, and speaking as someone whose life revolves around that little girl, that's amazing.

Week before last, my boss Dani asked if I would be willing to go to staff worship at the church and let them pray for me. The entire church staff minus the nursery workers (hey, SOME of us have to work ;) attend staff worship every week. Many of these people, in spite of the fact that I've been on payroll for two and a half years, I've never met. Some of them I know by sight or by name but not both, and some could poke me in the eyeball and I wouldn't know them from Adam.

I went, because even though I don't particularly care to be in the spotlight, I am not foolish enough to pass up the opportunity to get someone to pray for my kid.

I wasn't sure what to expect, but when we opened with one of Mom's favorite hymns, I was immediately aware that I was meant to be there, to hear that. It's one of those songs I grew up on, but only now, at this point in my life, do I fully appreciate the words.

How sweet to hold a newborn baby,
And feel the pride and joy he gives.
But greater still the calm assurance,
This child can face uncertain days because He lives.

Because He lives I can face tomorrow
Because He lives, all fear is gone
Because I know He holds the future
And life and is worth the living just because He lives

It's almost like Instant Messaging from God.

Hey, Sara, relax. I've got this. I love her even more than you do. - G

It's truly something. Alan's devotional that day was about worrying. Or, more accurately, *not* worrying. And then he spent time on his knees, praying specifically for my baby.

Now... telling me not to worry is like telling my mom's dog, who lives with us now, that all squirrels are not evil. You say the word "squirrel" and Dream will go nuts, barking and looking frantically for the Tiny Gray Spawns of Satan so that she may destroy them once and for all. You don't have to say anything for me to worry. It's as natural as breathing.

And, oh yeah, that's my baby they're about to cut open.

But you know what?

My God is bigger than this. Bigger even than the most terrifying event of my life, handing my daughter over to virtual strangers and literally trusting them with her life. Which is ultimately also trusting them with my life, because she IS my life.

Here's a revelation:
I would give anything, do anything, if it were me instead of her. And in fact I can't say for sure that I wouldn't give anything for it to be anyone else but her. Not that I would wish it on anyone - of course not - but given the choice between my child and someone else? I'm going to choose my child. I'm being honest here.

And that's the key difference between God and me. The ability to sacrifice your own child... I am pretty sure I do not possess that.

Ahh, God. I see what you did there.