Dear Ally, On Your Future Sexuality,

Wow, did I just write that?

My baby, my beautiful, innocent little girl.

Right now, when you look at me with those big blue eyes, it's hard for me to imagine the day when you won't be so innocent anymore. It's very hard, and I have to admit that I'm struggling with something that, twenty years ago, I would've rolled my eyes over, had my mother expressed the same struggle.

That boy you're dating? I may like him. I may even love him. I may hope that you marry him and the two of you live sixty or seventy years together, with ten kids and a hundred grandkids. He may be the 'son I never had'.

But let me admit to you right now: Deep down, I want to throttle him for what I know is going to happen. Or may have already happened. Because remember, Ally, that I will always be your mother. You will always be my baby. My sweet, innocent angel who right now is still prancing through the life stage that comes before eating the fruit from the Tree of Knowledge.

You don't have a clue what sex is, and I like it that way. Your mind and body are pure, and I like it that way. There is a deep, instinctive part of me that wishes you could stay that way forever.

Of course I know you won't. I know that one day (much, much too soon), your eyes will be opened to the wide world of boys and hormones and feelings you've never imagined experiencing, and they will overwhelm the crap out of you for a long time. I know, it happened to me.

You'll get your first crush and when his eyes meet yours, it'll set off butterflies in your stomach, your heart will skip a beat, you'll want to melt into a puddle.

Eventually some little boy will hold your hand and you'll think nothing has ever been that exciting... until one of them kisses you, and that will blow your mind. And then one will tell you he loves you, and you'll feel like you're going to expire on the spot.

It'll happen so fast, kid. You have no idea. It'll seem like an eternity to you, but for me? I know that if I blink after clicking "publish" on this post, it'll be happening already.

You're going to grow up and your body will change, as will those of the boys around you. You're going to start wanting things, feeling curious about things. You're going to think about sex a long, long time before I'm ready for you to be thinking about it, and good Lord, what that does to my mommy heart.

Here's the thing, baby girl. Lately I have read article after article, blog post after blog post, written by parents, either aimed at other parents, at their children, or at the puberty-stricken teenage peers of their children.

Many of them are aimed at young girls, and the behavior of so many young girls in the modern technology age. Social media, text messaging, snapchat... you name it.

Ally, so help me God, if I catch you taking provocative pictures of yourself and sending them to anyone, anywhere, I will lock you in your bedroom with no phone, no computer, no nothing for the rest of your life.

....


No, I won't. Not for the rest of your life. But I will be upset, and disappointed in you, and you'll be grounded for an indeterminate amount of time. Why? Because I did not incubate your little person for 39 weeks and then spend the next ___teen years carefully raising you, loving you, teaching you, and protecting you just for you to turn around and disrespect yourself enough to encourage boys to objectify you that way.

Nobody on earth loves you as much as I do, Ally, and nobody ever will. Whatever lucky little punk wins your heart and marries you better spend the rest of his life trying to achieve that goal, but I'm telling you now, he won't. And so, on that authority, I am telling you that you not only deserve to be treated with respect, but you should insist on it. Demand it. In order for you to get it, you have to first have it for yourself.

Teenage boys, and men in general, are visual creatures. They're hard-wired that way, to See it and Want it. Much, much more so than girls. You might see something and want it, but you're not driven by that the way boys are.

I don't mean that if you're on the beach in a bikini, any boy within sight should be thinking about you as a sexual receptacle (hint: you're not). They will See, and they will Want. And it'll make you feel good, too. Attractive, desired.

That's fine. Normal, even (even though I just visibly winced at the thought). What you're experiencing is a part of life, it's a rite of passage from childhood into adulthood. It's hard, it's confusing, and these days I know it's far too easy to believe that you're ready for adult experiences years before you'll actually be emotionally ready for them. It's okay that you want boys to notice you, it's okay that you want them to be attracted to you, and yes, it's fine for them to be attracted to you.

What is not fine is if he thinks that all you are is something to be desired. What is even more not fine is if you make him think that's all you are.

My generation is not inclined to take personal responsibility for our actions, and yours will be even less inclined. You, however, are expected to take full personal responsibility.

Is rape the victim's fault? No, it is not, ever. I don't care if the girl pranced naked up to the guy and sat on his lap. He's just as capable of controlling himself as anyone. No means no, and there's no such thing as "She was asking for it."

Was she being stupid for prancing naked up to a guy she didn't want to have sex with and sitting on his lap? Yes. She was. Because not everyone will control themselves.

You are expected to control yourself. You are expected to carry yourself with dignity and self-respect. You're expected to see, or learn, the difference between boys who like you for you and ones who like you because you're willing to act like you have no self-respect.

It's not okay for him to call you a slut or a whore, but it's also not okay for you to act like one.

It's not okay for him to look at you and only think about what's between your legs, but it's up to you to be more than what's between your legs.

You are smart. You are so, so funny. You are sweet and kind and strong-willed and beautiful, and I'm amazed every day by the fact that God gave you to me to raise. You drive me crazy with your stubborn spirit, but I love that about you, too, because I know that one day, when it's no longer something I have to battle with in order to raise you right, it's going to be an invaluable tool, a huge advantage in your life.

Do I think it's ridiculous that people expect girls to take complete responsibility for the thoughts of young men? Absolutely. Young men should learn self-control and how to rein in their libido when they see girls stupidly disrespecting their bodies.

Don't disrespect your body, Ally, because it's more than that. It's disrespecting your entire self, and as the person who loves your entire self so much more than you'll ever know (until you have your own baby), I am not okay with that.


I love you, little face.

Mommy.